Uchiha Therapy
by KageNoKatana
Summary: It's been decided. Uchiha Sasuke needs therapy. Dragged to a mental hospital, he's forced to consult with his comrades about his problems. Why is Itachi here?
1. Prologue to Insanity

Hey all! I didn't think I was going to post much on for a LONG time but I was beaten over the head with a story idea. My friend mentioned something that made be spaz about this plot.

Nika, I thank you for the inspiration!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I do own Dr. Kamiya, the therapist.

* * *

"Sasuke, I need you to do something for me," Kakashi said seriously, looking the young genin directly in the eye. "Something very VERY important that Godaime-sama has commanded,"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked.

Kakashi's visible eye looked around shiftily. "A, uh, special mission! It will make you stronger and help the village!"

At this point, Kakashi's odd behavior was making Sasuke suspicious but if this mission could help him get stronger, he could kill Itachi. "I'll do it,"

"Good! I knew you would!" Kakashi cheered, clapping his hands together in glee. "Follow me!" He then proceeded to skip down the street in obvious relief. Sasuke noticed this for a brief second before following the strange man (But there was NO WAY in HELL he was going to skip).

"Here we are!" Kakashi proclaimed a few moments later. Sasuke looked at the building before them, it had four floors and was mostly white save the gray lines around the sides.

"Why are we here?" Asked our kawaii, confused little bishie. "How is coming here going to make me stronger?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head nervously. "In here, you will, uh, learn to conquer internal and external disputes, all the while becoming stronger so that you may overcome." Kakashi explained, quite proud of himself that not one bit was a lie. He didn't like lying. He was often accused of lying by his students and he didn't like that. It wasn't his fault that it wasn't very believable that he was sucked into an alternate dimension and forced to play cards with a strange kid with a split personality and spiky hair this morning, making him late.

Sasuke looked up at the building once again, this time with an eyebrow raised. "It says 'Mental Health Institute for the Angsty and Insan-WOAH!" He was cut off as Kakashi quickly shoved him into the building.

Once inside the building, Sasuke was ambushed by jounins and successfully knocked out.

After a few minutes of happy little dreams about killing Itachi in violent, bloody, ways, Sasuke awoke in a strange room full of bright light. Looking around, he noticed a woman in a white lab coat holding a clipboard. She smiled unnervingly at him.

"Good afternoon, Sasuke-kun. I'm glad you could come," She said. "I'm doctor Kamiya, and I'm here to help you sort out your problems."

Sasuke jumped up and pointed dramatically at her. "WHERE AM I!?" He shouted. "WHY AM I HERE?!"

"You're at the Konoha Mental Institute for the Angsty and Insane. I believe you are here because you fall under that category." Said doctor Kamiya. "I've looked through your files. You are a bit self-absorbed and are set on revenge. Against your older brother, no doubt."

"HE KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY!" Sasuke shrieked.

Kamiya didn't look in the bit phased at Sasuke's outburst. "Yes, it's very sad. But you don't have to waste your life being a little angst-muffin about it."

"Angst… muffin?"

"I've arranged for special meetings with people to help sort out your issues," Kamiya continued, ignoring Sasuke's odd look. "You'll want to meet the fist person." She smiled knowingly. Pressing a button on her desk, she spoke into a speakerphone. "Send him in,"

The door opened slowly and Sasuke turned to face it. His face paled and his throat constricted as he recognized the familiar figure.

"ITACHI!!"

* * *

Phew. There. I started a new fic. I am digging a hole and I have to finish now. The chapters will probably (Hopefully) get longer.

Please review or I'll die and haunt you.


	2. Itachi It all started when my aunt call...

(Stares at the amount of reviews on the first chapter) Wow, 18 reviews on that little thing? I LOVE YOU GUYS! I guess I have to keep going. There's a contest in this chapter so see the note at the end of the chapter.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except Kamiya.

* * *

"Itachi!" Sasuke shrieked, pointing dramatically at the cloaked figure in the doorway. "You evil bastard! I'll kill you!"

"Calm down, Sasuke-kun," Kamiya soothed. "Itachi is not here for you to brutally murder; he is here to help you over come your problems, explain himself, -and hide from the fangirls down the hall."

"Yaoi fangirls" Itachi clarified with a shudder.

Sasuke slowly calmed himself and sat down in a squishy leather chair. "Alright," He said to Itachi. "I wont kill you YET."

Kamiya clapped her hands together cheerfully. "Now that that's settled; Itachi, please clarify why you did what you did."

Itachi sat down in a chair and clasped his hands before his face. "It all started when my aunt called me fat." He began.

"WHAT!?" Sasuke exploded, jumping out of his chair. "YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT CRAP!?"

"Sit down, Sasuke-kun." Kamiya sighed as she doodled on her clipboard.

Sasuke slowly sat back in his seat. Itachi quietly regarded him out of the corner of his eye.

"Well, maybe it didn't start with that. Over time all the stress from all of father's expectations had been building up. My aunt calling me fat was probably just the last straw. So I killed her." He shrugged. "I suppose I was chemically imbalanced at the time. Before I knew it, I had killed them all."

Staring silently with his mouth hanging open, Sasuke slowly absorbed this new information.

"I'm still going to kill you, you know."

"I know."

"Slowly and painfully."

"I know."

"In a process that involves a pointy stick and a biology teacher."

"Very creative."

"Thank you."

"You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?."

"….Yes."

A moment of silence passed.

"Alright." Said Itachi as he stood. "I'll be going now."

"Goodbye and thank you for you assistance." Kamiya waved. Sasuke vaguely wondered what the hell had just happened.

After Itachi's departure, the room fell silent once again.

"………"

"………"

"Weren't there yaoi fangirls out there?"

"Yup."

"………"

"………"

"Can I leave now?"

"Nope."

"……….."

"THEY'RE AFTER ME!" A shriek came from down the hall. Itachi followed shortly after, bursting into the room and jumping out the window as means of escape.

"Here come the yaoi fangirls." Kamiya sighed and pulled a white sheet out of her desk. She walked over to Sasuke and draped the sheet over his head. She then walked back to her desk and sat down.

Mere seconds later, a crowd of rabid yaoi fangirls broke the door down. "WHERE IS ITACHI-SAMA!?" They cried in unison.

"Not here." Was Kamiya's simple reply.

"Aw, poo." Said one of the fangirls. "I wanted to pair him with Kisame!"

"Ew! That shark-man?!" Cried another. "We should pair him with Naruto!"

"No, Neji!"

"No! Orochimaru!"

"SASUKE!" Another shouted over the others.

"YEAH! SASUKE!" They exclaimed in unison once again.

Beneath the sheet, Sasuke shuddered.

"Isn't Sasuke supposed to be in here now?"

"Actually, Itachi just burst in, grabbed him, and the frolicked off to have a wonderfully incestful yaoi relationship." Kamiya lied.

"IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE!" The yaoi fangirls squealed. "LET'S GO TAKE PICTURES AND WRITE FANFICS ABOUT IT!"

They then broke down the newly repaired door on their way out.

"You can come out now, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke pulled the sheet off his head. "That was scary." He looked at the door, open but no longer broken. "Who fixes your doors so fast?"

"A friend." Kamiya said, pointing to the door.

Blinking, Sasuke noticed a blond man dressed in white and gold robes walking down the hallway, a bag of jumbo marshmallows tucked under his arm. He stopped and looked into the room.

"Have you seen Kyuu-han?" He asked.

"He was with Naruto."

"…….. Where's Naruto?"

Kamiya looked at her watch. "He should be here any second."

"Thanks!" The man chirped before looking around shiftily and sneaking off humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

"Who was that?" Asked Sasuke.

"A friend who was looking for another friend who was with a friend."

"Okay…" Sasuke muttered. He could've sworn he had seen that man before. "Can I leave now?"

"No. You still have…" She trailed off, counting on her fingers. "-Six visitors left."

"This is going to be a long day."

* * *

Yay! Second chapter done!

REVIEWER ALERT! If you can guess who the strange man who fixed the door was, I'll send you a picture of him.

Hint: He IS a Naruto character. It'll be hard to guess but it's not impossible. He is NOT a nameless background character. The form he's in now isn't the same as you see him in the anime/manga but you can still tell who he is. Sasuke 'met' him in the Chuunin Exams

SNG, you know who he is and you already have the pic so don't give it away.

REVIEW OR THOU SHALL BE SQUISHED!


	3. Naruto Thinks he's so tough

Hahaha, No, I'm not dead! I just was being lazy and spending too much time communing with nature. (Sits under a tree with headphones on)

Fans: KEEP WRITING, DAMMIT!

Okay okay! No one guessed who the stranger was. I'll give you more time cause it's hard. No, it's not Yondaime! BIG HINT: Ignore what he looks like now; it's a new form but the same soul.

BIGGEST HINT: He has an unholy fear of teapots. (There, I just gave it away)

Disclaimer: I own Kamiya and the plot, nothing else!

* * *

The clock slowly ticked away as Kamiya and Sasuke sat quietly in the office, waiting for Naruto to appear.

Suddenly, the lights went off and the door burst open, filling the room with smoke. As the smoke cleared, Naruto stepped forth into the room.

"Nice entrance," Kamiya noted appreciatively.

"Thank you"

"Naruto?"

"Yeah, Sasuke-baka?"

A pause. "Is that a disco ball?" He pointed.

Naruto glanced at the sparkling ball of doom that hovered precariously above his head. "…. Yes."

"You've been spending too much time with Lee and Gai" Sasuke pointed out. "Please don't start wearing green spandex"

Naruto fumed. "Hey, at least I'm not the one who needs therapy!"

Kamiya cleared her throat and the two boys looked at her. "I believe you were in here just last week, Naruto-kun" She said, giving the blond genin an amused look. "Something about a horrible fear of squirrels…"

"Squirrels?" Sasuke asked incredulously.

"Shut up, they were stalking me! They were outside my window when I woke up. They were looking in at me in the shower. They were watching me as I ate breakfast. They were EVERYWHERE!" Naruto began breathing fast and his eyes darted nervously to the door and windows. "I SWEAR THEY'RE AFTER ME! THEY'RE OUT FOR MY BLOOD! MY BLOOOOD! THEY'RE GONNA BOIL ME ALIVE AND EAT ME WITH RAMEN! –With a nice side of cashews and some pecan sauce. BUT THEY'RE STILL GONNA EAT ME!"

Kamiya stood, walked over to the panicking blond, and slapped him smartly across the face.

"OW! Oh…. Sorry, I got carried away" Naruto said sheepishly.

"Maybe I should schedule you another appointment"

"No, I'm getting help elsewhere." Kamiya raised an eyebrow. "Gaara's helping me whenever I start to rant. We call it the 'Stop it or I'll squish you' method."

"Ah, a wonderful method" Kamiya nodded knowingly. "Works even when it doesn't."

"But I'd be dead if I didn't stop…" Naruto mumbled, totally confused.

"Yes, but you wouldn't be ranting anymore, would you?" Kamiya pointed out.

"True"

Sasuke twitched. "I thought this session was supposed to be about me!" He exclaimed.

"It is"

"Then why are you talking about Naruto!" Sasuke demanded angrily.

"Because I felt like it" Kamiya retorted, scribbling 'Has an incredible need for attention' on her clipboard. "Now, Naruto-kun, what do you think is wrong with Sasuke-kun?"

"Should I write you a list?"

"No, just the main thing." Kamiya clarified.

"Alright" Naruto crossed his arms and thought. "His biggest problem is….. He thinks he's so damn tough."

" I AM tough!" Sasuke defended.

Naruto shot him a look that shouted 'Sure, and I'm Mary, queen of Scots'. "You keep thinking that"

Sasuke growled. "I could beat you any day!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

"I don't even have to try!"

"Boys, boys! Calm down! SHUT UP!" Kamiya exclaimed. The two genin stopped bickering immediately and stared in shock at the doctor's outburst. Kamiya composed herself and pointed to a chair. "Naruto, sit" Another chair was pointed at. "Sasuke, sit."

The boys grudgingly shuffled over to the chairs and sat down.

"I need a vacation." Kamiya mumbled, rubbing her temples.

"Then take one" Sasuke prodded. "I'll just leave now." He stood up to leave.

"SIT BOY!"

"Eep."

"Haha, Sasuke-baka got yelled at!" Naruto laughed.

"I'm getting a headache." Kamiya reached into her desk and pulled out some aspirin. Popping them in her mouth, she downed them with a glass of water on her desk. "Now," She began. "Sasuke, we're going to get through this day. Why? Because I need that paycheck. No questions."

Sasuke nodded mutely.

"We're going to get through this."

Another nod.

"-And I'm going to try to get a date with your brother."

Nod- "WHAT!"

"Haha, got you." Kamiya teased. "He is cute though. Around my age, too..." She trailed off contemplatively.

"I thought you were my therapist."

"It's not like I picked you."

"……Oh yeah, that makes me feel loved"

"Good, that's what I'm here for."

"Can I leave now?" Naruto asked. The doctor looked at him curiously for a moment, having forgotten that he existed.

"Alright, Naruto-kun. Have a nice day. Eat lots of Ramen"

Naruto waved happily. "Thanks! You too. Sasuke, get better and see a surgeon for that stick up your ass."

"Thanks, I wi-HEY!"

"Haha, bye!" Naruto pulled a face at Sasuke before running out of the room.

Sasuke sank lower in his chair and pouted. "So, how many more idiots do I have to 'talk' with?"

"About four or five, I forgot." She shrugged. "Sakura-chan should be here soon."

"Oh great, I'm gonna have to consult with rabid fangirls now."

"It's not that bad" Kamiya assured.

"Do YOU have fangirls?"

"……..No. "

"Then you wouldn't understand me" Sasuke huffed with an air of dignity. "No one understands me. The only woman who understood me was Katherine"

Kamiya raised an eyebrow. "Katherine?"

Sasuke nodded solemnly. "She was the best. I told her all my problems and she was proud of me and respected me and told me I was handsome…" He sighed. "Too bad she left."

Kamiya grinned. FINALLY they were getting somewhere. "Why did she leave? Where did she go?"

"I don't know where she went." Sasuke admitted. "One day Itachi told me to stop talking to her."

"Aw, why?"

"Because he said she was imaginary."

Kamiya facefaulted. "Imaginary?"

Sasuke seemed to be getting even more depressed now. "Yes, that's what he said. I don't believe him. I looked for her but I suppose I'll never see her again."

"There there. I'm sure she's still very close to you." (Like in your head).

"Thank you"

"Now would you like some tea while we wait for Sakura-chan to show up?"

"Alright"

* * *

WOO! Another chappie done. I was inspired because people began to make threats on my life. Yeah, it's scary.

Review.

NOW!


	4. Sakura Power

Hi there! KNK here with the fourth chapter of Uchiha Therapy!

Yes, I can hear you all going "FINALLY!" (wow, it's been awhile, ne?)

Haha, actually there's been a lot going on….. MY FAVORITE STAND-UP COMEDIAN DIED! (sob sob) Yeah, Mitch Hedberg died. I loved him. He was only 37 and he died of heart failure. He was born with a heart defect and it finally killed him. (Tears). That and I have SO MUCH HOMEWORK! –And my computer's broken and blah blah blah. Okay, enough excuses.

No one has guessed my contest yet. If no one gets it I'll have another BIG hint in the second to last chapter. (Maybe, I'm making this up with a vague idea of how it goes)

"Dogs are forever in the pushup position"

Mitch Hedberg

* * *

Sasuke sighed and glanced at the clock for a moment before turning back to the rubix cube Kamiya had so thoughtfully lent him. According to the clock, Sakura should have arrived ten minutes ago. _Oh well._ Sasuke thought. _It's only delaying the inevitable confrontation with one of my biggest fangirls…_

He turned his attention to his therapist who was 'momentarily resting her eyes'.

"Zzzzzz…"

_……Or maybe she fell asleep…_

Then a thought struck him with the force of Chouji landing on him after a fall from an airplane. HE COULD ESCAPE!

Quickly ninja-ing towards the door, Sasuke reached for the handle only to be hit in the face with said door.

"I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaimed, immediately rushing to the side of her fallen comrade. "Are you alright!"

"I'm fine..." Sasuke mumbled, gently touching the rapidly swelling area of his forehead.

"Huh? Wha?" Kamiya opened an eye and looked sleepily at her guests. "Where am I?" The open eye surveyed the room. "Oh yeah… Work!" She immediately sat up and composed herself, aptly removing the piece of paper that was stuck to her cheek. "If you both would please take your seats we can get started"

Sasuke trudged back to his seat obediently, depressed that his plans for escape had failed. He blinked in confusion at the stare he was getting from his therapist. "What?"

"Wow Sasuke, you've sure got one hell of an egg on your head. How'd that happen?" Kamiya asked in a happy tone.

"I'm so sorry!" Sakura apologized once again. "I accidentally hit Sasuke-kun with the door on my way in!"

"What was he doing by the door anyways?"

"I was, uh, walking around mindlessly" Sasuke stumbled to find an explanation.

Kamiya looked relieved. "Oh good. I thought you might have been trying to escape or something. We can't have that, now can we? I wont get paid."

Sasuke's eye twitched. How did she know?

"Alright then," Kamiya clapped her hands together in her cheerful manner. "Sakura-chan, what do you think is wrong with Sasuke-kun?"

"U-um…" Sakura fidgeted nervously, unable to get out an intelligent word. Kamiya was confused, why was this brilliant young girl shifting so uneasily in her seat? Sakura kept sending strange glances at her dark and emo teammate, a blush covering her face. Suddenly, the hamster gained enough momentum to brighten the light bulb of intelligence within Kamiya's mind.

"You're fidgety, Sakura-chan… Maybe you have worms… Sit still for twenty seconds." She ordered calmly.

Sakura immediately stopped blushing. "What?" Kamiya regarded the young kunoichi critically for a moment before furrowing her eyebrows.

"Okay, maybe I was wrong" She mumbled mostly to herself.

Gathering her remaining sanity, Sakura attempted to get this session back on track. "Well, I believe Sasuke-kun could try opening up to people more. I mean, we're here for him but he doesn't seem to care."

"That bastard." Kamiya gasped.

"Uh, I'm right here you know"

Kamiya looked at Sasuke as if noticing him for the first time. "So you are… Please continue, Sakura-chan"

"Right" Sakura nodded. "Sasuke-kun needs to stop being so… so…"

"Emo?"

"Yes."

Nodding sagely, Kamiya scribbled some more notes and then motioned for Sakura to continue.

"He needs to understand that vengence against his brother willl bring him nothing but more pain and suffering. Is pushing everyone who cares about you away a fair price to pay for power?" She looked pleadingly at the boy next to her. "Is it?"

"Yep"

"……"

"Well, there's a relevation for you" Kamiya commented.

"I cant believe you, Sasuke-kun!"

"Yeah well, too bad." Sasuke huffed. "I'm still killing Itachi and I'll do anything to accomplish my goal."

Sakura looked at him in disbelief. "Alright Sasuke-kun…" She mumbled. "If that's the way you want it…"

"It is" Sasuke assured.

"Fine!" She exclaimed. "You can go become powerful any way you want to! But you'll never be as strong as someone who stands by his friends!" She shouted and stromed out of the room, Inner Sakura obviously in control.

"Wow, just like a soap opera, isnt it?" Kamiya asked, munching from a bag of popcorn that was in a drawer of her desk.

Sasuke just glared at her. "Shut up"

"I love you too, Sasuke-kun"

* * *

Hopefully, I'll come up with more ideas soon! Gomen nasai, read and review!


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